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The Prez's Joke Archive - 2000

12/27/00

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - it went like this:

Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene? A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q. Officer, who provided this description? A. The officer who responded to the scene.

Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so- called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers? A. Yes sir, with my life.

Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you have a locker room in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties? A. Yes sir, we do.

Q. And do you have a locker in that room? A. Yes sir, I do.

Q. And do you have a lock on your locker? A. Yes sir.

Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers? A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.

With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.

12/20/00

TRAINING ANNOUNCEMENT

Women think they already know everything, but wait!... training courses are now available for women on the following subjects:

1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before

2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits

3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits

4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After the Game

5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too

6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His

7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First

8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking

9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging

10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire

11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up

12. Introduction to Parking

13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space

14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat

15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter

16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption

17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People

18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully

19. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His

20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To

21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have

22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice

23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together

24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both

25. TV Remotes: For Men Only

12/13/00

There was a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead riding in a car. They ran a stop sign and a cop started chasing them.

They got a little farther ahead and saw three burlap bags lying in the ditch. They stopped the car and each of them got into one of the bags.

The cop caught up with them and saw the empty car and the three bags so he went up to the bag with the brunette in it and kicked it. The brunette said "meow, meow", and the cop said, "oh, there's a kitty in this bag.

He then kicked the one with the redhead in it and she said "arf, arf", and the cop said aw, there's a puppy in this bag.

Finally, he went up to the bag with the blonde in it and kicked it and she said "potato".

12/6/00

SANTA IS A GIRL!

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she.

Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing, social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!

For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.

Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist. Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.

Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man: Men can't pack a bag. Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet. Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be seen with all those elves. Men don't answer their mail. Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly." Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them. Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously harm their macho image.

Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment. I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men... Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy. Cupid flies around carrying weapons. Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance.

11/29/00

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas.

With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person... because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!"

The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!

11/22/00

An industrious turkey farmer was always experimenting with breeding to perfect a better turkey.

His family was fond of the leg portion for dinner and there were never enough legs for everyone.

After many frustrating attempts, the farmer was relating the results of his efforts to his friends at the general store get together. "Well I finally did it! I bred a turkey that has 6 legs!"

They all asked the farmer how it tasted.

"I Don't know" said the farmer. "I never could catch the darn thing!"

11/15/00

HOW TO COOK A TURKEY

Step 1: Go buy a turkey

Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey, scotch, or JD

Step 3: Put turkey in the oven

Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey

Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens

Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink

Step 7: Turn oven the on

Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky

Step 9: Turk the bastey

Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get

Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer

Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey

Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours

Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey

Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey

Step 16: Floor the turkey up off the pick

Step 17: Turk the carvey

Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch

Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey

Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out

11/8/00

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said " Who owns the big white horse outside? " The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, " I do...Why? " The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, " I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside! "

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, " Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better. " Tonto said, " Sure, Kemosabe " and took off running circles around Silver.

Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, " Who owns that big white horse outside? The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, " I do, what' s wrong with him this time? "

The cowboy looks him in the eye and says... " Nothing, but you left your Injun runnin' . "

11/1/00

Subject: male stripper

The other day, my friends and I went to a "Ladies Night Club." One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!

Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She calls the guy back over, licks the $20 bill, and sticks it to his other butt cheek.

In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the guy over, and licks the bill. I'm worried about the way things are going, but fortunately she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks.

My relief was short lived. Seeing the way things are going, the guy gyrates over to me! Now everyone's attention is focused on me, and the guy's egging me on to try to top the $50. My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet. What could I do?

Then the marketer in me took over! I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his butt, grabbed the 80 bucks, and went home.

10/25/00

Three vampires walk into a bar. The waitress comes up to them and asks them what they'll have.

The first vampire says, (Transylvanian accent inferred) "I'll have a glass of O Positive."

The second vampire says, "I'll have a glass of AB Negative."

The third vampire says, "I'm the designated driver. I'll just have a glass of plasma."

The waitress turns toward the bartender and yells, "Gimme two bloods and one blood lite!"

10/18/00

YOU KNOW YOU'RE TRAILER TRASH WHEN ...

1. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

2. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

5. Jack Daniel's makes your list of "most admired people."

6. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

7. Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey watch this."

8. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

9. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

10. Your junior prom had a daycare.

11. You think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen start your engines."

12. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

13. The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas is in it.

14. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

15. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

16. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

17. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

18. You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

19. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

20 . Your front porch collapses and kills more than five dogs.

Y'all have fun, ya hea?

10/11/00

Two guys from Washington die and wake up in hell. The next day the devil stops in to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and bomber hats warming themselves around the fire. The devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?" The two guys reply, "Well, you know, we're from Washington, the land of snow and ice and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, you know."

The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat. The next morning he stops in again and there they are, still dressed in parkas, hats and mittens. The devil asks them again, "Its awfully hot down here, can't you guys feel that?" Again the two guys reply, "Well, like we told you yesterday, we're from Washington, the land of snow and ice and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, you know."

This gets the devil a little steamed up and he decides to fix the two guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The people are wailing and screaming every where. He stops by the room with the two guys from Washington and finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling sausage and drinking beer. The devil is astonished, "Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourself." The two from Washington reply, "Well, ya know, we don't get too much warm weather up there in Washington, we've just got to have a cook out when the weather's this nice."

The devil is absolutely furious, he can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives.

The devil decides to turn all the heat off in hell. The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, people are shivering so bad that they are unable to wail, moan and gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with the two from Washington. He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, bomber hats, and mittens. They are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men. The devil is dumbfounded, "I don't understand, when I turn up the heat you're happy. Now its freezing cold and you're still happy. What is wrong with you two?" The Washingtonians look at the devil in surprise, "Well, don't you know, if hell froze over, that must mean the Mariners won the World Series."

10/4/00

Subject: Nursing Home

One evening a family takes their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for.

The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems OK, but after a while she sloowwwly starts to tilt over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.

Again she seems OK, but after a while she slooowwly starts to tilt over to her other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.

Later, the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask. "It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."

9/27/00

Stress Management Visualization:

Picture yourself near a stream.

Birds are chirping softly in the crisp, cool mountain air.

Nothing can bother you here.

No one knows this secret place.

You are in total seclusion from that place called "The World."

The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

The water is crystal clear.

You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you're holding under the water... There, now,...feeling better?

9/20/00

The Dog Is Dead

A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments, tells the man that his dog, is dead.

The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion. The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too."

The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. The vet brings in a black labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."

The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650." "$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man. "Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests."

9/13/00

OIL CHANGING INSTRUCTIONS

WOMEN:

1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change.

2. Drink a cup of coffee.

3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

MEN:

1. Go to O'Reilly auto parts and write a check for 50 dollars for oil, filter, oil lift (AKA kitty litter), hand cleaner and scented tree.

2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.

3. Open a beer and drink it.

4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7. Place drain pan under engine.

8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9. Give up and use crescent wrench.

10. Unscrew drain plug.

11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.

12. Clean up.

13. Have another beer while oil is draining.

14. Look for oil filter wrench.

15. Give up; poke oil filter with Phillips screwdriver and twist it off.

16. Beer.

17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow.

18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.

19. Throw oil lift (AKA kitty litter) on oil spilled during step 18.

20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.

21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.

22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.

23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

24. Remember drain plug from step 11.

25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.

27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.

28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.

29. Begin cussing fit.

30. Throw wrench.

31. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December 1992.

32. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.

33. Beer.

34. Beer.

35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.

36. Beer.

37. Lower car from jack stands.

38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.

39. Move car back to apply more oil lift (AKA kitty litter) to fresh oil spilled during step 23.

40. Drive car

9/6/00

A little boy and little girl at school are having lunch together.

"Tommy," she said, "I'm not eating any more chicken sandwiches!"

"Why?" he asked.

"Cause I'm starting to grow feathers down *there*," she said, pointing to the bottom of her tummy.

"I don't believe you," he said, "you'll have to show me."Behind the shed they went, where the inspection took place.

"Gee, your right," he said. "I've been eating a lot of chicken too, wonder if I'm getting feathers too?"

"Well, I'd better have a look," she said. After a lengthy examination, she looked up and said, "Oh, I think it's too late for you, you've already got the neck and giblets too!

 

8/30/00

Women Beware!!!

Most of you have read the scare-mail about the person whose kidneys were stolen while he was passed out-well read on. While that was an "urban legend" this one is not. It's happening everyday....

My thighs were stolen from me during the night of August 3rd a few years ago. It was just that quick.

I went to sleep in my body and woke up with someone else's thighs. The new ones had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Who would have done such a cruel thing to legs that had been wholly, if imperfectly, mine for years? Whose thighs were these? What happened to mine?

I spent the entire summer looking for them. I searched, in vain, at pools and beaches, anywhere I might find female limbs exposed. I became obsessed.

I had nightmares filled with cellulite and flesh that turns to bumps in the night.

Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans and Sheer Energy pantyhose.

Then, just when my guard was down, the thieves struck again.

My buns were next. I knew it was the same gang because they took pains to match my new derriere (although badly attached at least three inches lower than the original) to the thighs they had stuck me with earlier. Now my rear complimented my legs, lump for lump. Frantic, I prayed that long skirts would stay in fashion.

It was 2 years ago when I realized my arms had been switched. One morning while fixing my hair, I watched, horrified but fascinated, as the flesh of my upper arms swung to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary. My body was being replaced, cleverly and fiendishly, one section at a time.

Age? Age had nothing to do with it. Age was supposed to creep up, noticed and intangible, something like maturity. NO, I was being attacked, repeatedly and without warning.

During one spring, my attention was riveted to upper arms... female arms. I studied them from every angle, being careful not to raise mine in public or flatten them too tightly against my body. In private, I held them straight out and did endless circles that would have tightened my real arms but did nothing for these new "Silly-Putty" caricatures.

In the end, in deepening despair, I gave up my T-shirts. What could they do to me next? My eyes began to remind people that they needed a new pair of Hush Puppies. My poor neck disappeared more quickly than the Thanksgiving turkey it now reminded me of.

That's why I've decided to tell my story; I can't take on the medical profession by myself. Women of America, wake up and smell the coffee! That isn't really "plastic" those surgeons are using. You know where they're getting those replacement parts, don't you?

The next time you suspect someone has had a face "lifted," look again! Was it lifted from you? Check out those tummy tucks and buttocks raising. Look familiar? Are those your eyelids on that movie star?

I think I finally may have found my thighs....and I hope Cindy Crawford paid a really good price for them!

8/23/00

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you could paint my porch. How much would you charge?" "How about 50 dollars?" replied the blonde. The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage.

The man's wife overheard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" "She should," he replied, "she was standing on it."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered," and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari.

8/16/00

Aging Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband, Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be. "On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

8/9/00

A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?" "Ten," she replied.

"What are their names?" he asked. "LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, and LeRoy," she answered.

"They're all named LeRoy?" he asked "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?" "Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'LeRoy,' and they all come running in."

"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?" "I just say, 'LeRoy, come eat your dinner'," she answered.

"But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked. "Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name!"

8/2/00

The bartender was washing his glasses, when an elderly Irishman came in. With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey. The Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?" The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey, too.

The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back, who moved very slowly. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar. The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti, too.

The third patron to enter the bar was a redneck, who swaggered into the bar and hollered, "Barkeeper, set me up a cold one! Hey, is that God's Boy down there?" The barkeeper nodded, so the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one, too.

As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, so he got up and danced a jig out the door. Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Italian felt his back straighten, so he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door.

Jesus walked toward the redneck, but the redneck jumped back and exclaimed, "Don't touch me! I'm drawin' disability!"

7/26/00

The Elmo Misunderstanding

A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45AM, there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee.

He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up. The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem.

Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs.

The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

7/19/00

Money

It can buy a House but not a Home

It can buy a Bed but not Sleep

It can buy a Clock but not Time

It can buy you a Book but not Knowledge

It can buy you a Position but not Respect

It can buy you Medicine but not Health

It can buy you Blood but not Life

It can buy you Sex but not Love

So you see money isn't everything. And it often causes pain and suffering.

I tell you all this because I am your Friend, and as your Friend I want to take away your pain and suffering... So send me all your money and I will suffer for you.

A truer Friend than me you will never find.

CASH ONLY PLEASE

7/5/2000

Subject: Bumper Stickers We'd Like to See

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

You can't have everything, where would you put it?

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

6/28/00

Martha Stewart's Tips for RedNecks

IN GENERAL

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT

1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of her fingerfoods.

DATING (Outside the Family)

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."

3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.

2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

6/21/00

A man was sitting at home one evening, when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, a 6 foot tall cockroach was standing there. The cockroach immediately punched him between the eyes and scampered off.

The next evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang again. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there again. This time, it punched him, kicked him and karate chopped him before running away.

The third evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there yet again. It leapt at him and stabbed him several times before running off. The gravely injured man managed to crawl to the telephone and summoned an ambulance. He was rushed to intensive care, where they saved his life.

The next morning, the doctor was doing his rounds. He asked the man what happened, so the man explained about the 6 foot cockroach's attacks, culminating in the near fatal stabbing. The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Yes, there's a nasty bug going around."

6/14/00

A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Anthony proposed to me an hour ago." "Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked. "Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a Hell." Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."

6/7/00

One day three men were walking along and came upon a raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do it. The first man prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river." Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about three hours.

Seeing this, the second man prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and ability to cross this river." Poof ! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about two hours.

The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength, ability, and intelligence to cross this river." And Poof! God turned him into a woman. He looked at the map, then walked across the bridge.

5/31/00

Senilty Prayer

Grant me the Senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

5/24/00

Nancy was sometimes a very naughty seven year-old. On one of those occasions, her mother tried to have a 'teachable moment' with her when she said, "Don't you know that if you keep being so naughty your children will be naughty too?"

Nancy started to giggle, louder and louder.

"And what is so funny, young lady?" the mother asked.

"So what did YOU do?!?"

5/17/00

Woman's Prayer

Dear Lord...

So far today, I am doing all right. I have not gossiped, lost my temper, been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or self indulgent. I have not whined, bitched, cursed, or eaten any chocolate. I have not charged on my credit card.

However, I am going to get out of bed in a few minutes, and I will need a lot more help after that. Amen.

Tommy G. added the following courtesy the Red Green Show:

Man's Prayer

Dear Lord...

I'm a man...

But I can change...

If I have to...

I guess.

Amen.

5/10/00

Read this loud to yourself....One sentence after another.....

This is this cat.

This is is cat.

This is how cat.

This is to cat

This is keep cat.

This is a cat.

This is fool cat.

This is busy cat.

This is for cat.

This is forty cat.

This is seconds cat.

Now go back and read only the third word of each sentence.

5/3/00

Subject: BELL RINGER

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day when an arm-less man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. The bishop was incredulous: "You have no arms!" "No matter." said the man, "Observe!" And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo.

But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the arm-less man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?" "I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."

WAIT,

WAIT! Not through yet!!

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the arm-less campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor arm-less wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, but as the arm-less man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell,he groaned, clutched at his chest and died on the spot.

Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened? Who is this man?" the first monk asked breathlessly. "I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop...

(wait for it.....)

(wait for it.....)

"But he's a dead ringer for his brother."

4/26/00

A Moving Story Of Inspiration For Us All

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??" "No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from thebaby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us startedagain? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??" "But the guy was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."

So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah please." So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?" And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing."

4/19/00

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this, Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a rather heavy, not too attractive, older lady walked up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady walked between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a beautiful, young woman stepped out. The father said quietly to his son, "Go get your Mother".

4/12/00

There was a beer party out in the woods and, all of a sudden there was a downpour of rain and thunder. Two young men ran for about 10 minutes in the pouring rain, and finally reached their car just as the rain let up. They jumped in the car, started it up and headed down the road,laughing and, of course, still drinking one beer after the other. All of a sudden an old man's face appeared outside the passenger window, and he tapped lightly on the window! The man on the passenger side screamed out, "Ahhhhhhh! Look at my window!!! There's an old guy's face there!" (Was this a ghost?) The old man kept knocking, so the driver said, "Well, open the window a little and ask him what he wants!" So, the passenger rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said, "What do you want?" The old man softly replied, "Do you have any cigarettes?" The passenger, terrified, looked at the driver and said, "He wants a cigarette." "Well, give him a cigarette! HURRY!!" the driver replies. So he fumbles around with the pack and hands the old man a cigarette and yells to the driver, "Step on it!!!", rolling up the window in terror.

Now going about 80 miles an hour, they calm down, and they start laughing again, and the passenger says, "What do you think of that?" The driver replies, "I don't know. How could that be? I am going pretty fast." Then all of a sudden AGAIN there is a knock, and there is the old man again. "Aaaaaaaaaaaaah, there he is again!" the passenger yells. "Well, see what he wants now!" yells back the driver. He rolls down the window a little ways and shakily says, "Yes?" "Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asks. The driver throws a lighter out the window at him and rolls up the window and yells, "STEP ON IT!"

They are now going about 100 miles an hour and still guzzling beer, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden again there is more knocking! "OH MY GOD! HE'S BACK!" The passenger rolls down the window and screams in stark fear, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?" The old man replies, "You want some help getting out of the mud?"

4/5/00

Final Judgement

A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in the long line of judgment. As he stood there he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the pearly gates into heaven. Others, though, were led over to Satan who threw them into the burning pit.

But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss a soul off to one side into a small pile. After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow's curiosity got the best of him. So he strolled over and asked Satan what he was doing.

"Excuse me, Prince of Darkness," he said. "I'm waiting in line for judgment, but I couldn't help wondering, why are you tossing those people aside instead of flinging them into the fires of hell with the others?" "Ah, those..." Satan said with a groan. "They're all from Seattle,

3/29/00

A woman gets home, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!" The husband says, "Ohmigod! No kidding?! What should I pack,beach stuff or mountain stuff?"  The wife yells back, "It doesn't matter. Just get the hell out!"

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