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The Prez's Joke Archive -2001

12/26/01

Subject: $20

The young bride approached her awaiting husband on their wedding night and demanded $20 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, he readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love for the next 30 years, him thinking it was a cute way for her to buy new clothes, etc.

Arriving home around noon one day, she found her husband in a very drunken state. Over the next few minutes she heard of the ravages of financial ruin, caused by corporate down sizing and it's effects on a 50 year old executive.

Non plused she loaded him into her car and drove down to the local hospital. Pointing to the fine structure she informed him that he owned the land it was built on and they they paid him $6000 per month rent.

She handed him a bank book showing deposits and interest for 12 years totaling nearly $1 million dollars.

Pointing across the parking lot she gestured toward the local bank while handing him stock certificates worth nearly $2 million dollars and informed him that he was the largest stockholder in the bank.

She told him that for 30 years she had charged him each time they had sex, and this was the result of her investments.

By now he was distraught and beating his head against the side of the car. She asked him why he was seemingly disappointed at such good news and he replied, "If I had known what you were doing, I would have given you all of my business."

12/19/01

Miss Granny was in her eighties, and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

The pastor came to call on her one afternoon, early in the spring, and she welcomed him into her parlor. He took a seat while she prepared some tea.

As he sat facing her old pump organ, the minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. Floating in the water, of all things, was a condom. Imagine his shock! Surely Miss Granny had flipped! But he felt he couldn't mention the strange sight in her parlor.

When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and the floating item, but soon it got to him, he could resist no longer. "Miss Granny, I wonder if you could tell me about this?" he said pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know.... I haven't had a cold all winter."

12/12/01

Little Known Christmas Fact

Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems everywhere.

Four of his elves were sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More Stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the he kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said: "Where would you like to put this tree Santa?"

And that, my friends, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.

12/5/01

Subject: Fw: Loving Wife

"You know," a guy told his buddies, "I'm a lucky man. I never realized how much my wife loved me until the other day when I had to stay home sick from work."

"What did she do?" someone asked.

"She was so happy to have me home," he said, "That every time someone came to the door, like the mailman or milkman, she'd shout, 'My husbands home! My husband's home!'"

11/28/01

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolf to Blitzen - had to be a girl.

We should've known. ONLY women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

11/21/01

Why condoms come in boxes of 3,6,12

A man walks into a drug store with his 13-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display,and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?" To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son....Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package." The Dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college boys." the dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March........"

11/14/01

A guy was lonely, and decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's with me and have a beer? But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.

So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time, this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?"

A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes."

11/7/01

Moral of the Story

A teacher gave her fifth-grade class an assignment: have their parents tell them a story with a moral. The next day the kids came to class, and one by one, told their stories.

Kathy raised her hand first and said, "We live on a farm and we have hens that lay eggs for market. Once we were taking a basket of eggs to market on the front seat of the pick-up and we hit a big bump in the road. The eggs went flying and broke all over everything." "And what is the moral to that story?" "Don't put all your eggs in one basket." "Very good!" said the teacher.

Then little Lucy raised her hand and said, "We live on a farm, too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs once but when they hatched, we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to that story is, don't count your chickens before they're hatched." "That was a fine example, Lucy.

Johnny, I believe you had your hand up next." "Yes, ma'am. My Daddy told me my Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun, and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break, and then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets, then she killed twenty more with the machete before the blade broke off. Then she killed the last ten with her bare hands." "Good heavens!" said the horrified teacher. "What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to that terrible story?" "Stay the hell away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."

10/31/01

Finally a Barbie I can relate to. At long last, here are some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her and OUR aging gracefully. These are a bit more realistic...

1. Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain, and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.

2. Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead. Comes with handheld fan and tiny tissues.

3. Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.

4. Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new,roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, two-MuMus with tummy-support panels are included.

5. Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barb's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.

6. No-More-Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barb's own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.

7. Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr. Comes with minivan in robin-egg blue or white and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.

8. Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Alonzo (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Includes a real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."

9. Divorced Barbie. Sells for$ 199.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, and Ken's boat.

10. Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does Twelve Steps instead of dance steps. Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously. Comes with a little copy of The Big Book and a six-pack of Diet Coke.

11. Post-Menopausal Barbie. This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, the book "Getting In Touch with Your Inner Self" is included.

10/24/01

Subject: TIME FOR WOMEN TO UNITE RIGHT?

Take all American women who are within five years of menopause - train us for a few weeks, outfit us with automatic weapons, grenades, gas masks, moisturizer with SPF15, hormones, chocolate, and canned tuna - drop us (parachuted, preferably) across the landscape of Afghanistan, and let us do what comes naturally.

Think about it. Our anger quotient alone, even when doing standard stuff like grocery shopping and paying bills, is formidable enough to make even armed men in turbans tremble.

We've had our children, we would gladly suffer or die to protect them and their future.

We'd like to get away from our husbands, if they haven't left already. And for those of us who are single, the prospect of finding a good man with whom to share life is about as likely as being struck by lightning. We have nothing to lose.

We've survived the water diet, the protein diet, the carbohydrate diet, and the grapefruit diet in gyms and saunas across America and never lost a pound. We can easily survive months in the hostile terrain of Afghanistan with no food at all!

We've spent years tracking down our husbands or lovers in bars, hardware stores, or sporting events...finding bin Laden in some cave will be no problem.

Uniting all the warring tribes of Afghanistan in a new government? Oh, please ... we've planned the seating arrangements for in-laws and extended families at Thanksgiving dinners for years ... we understand tribal warfare.

Between us, we've divorced enough husbands to know every trick there is for how they hide, launder, or cover up bank accounts and money sources. We know how to find that money and we know how to seize it ... with or without the government's help!

Let us go and fight. The Taliban hate women. Imagine their terror as we crawl like ants with hot-flashes over their godforsaken terrain.

I'm going to write my Congresswoman. You should, too!

10/17/01

GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER:

1. Sag, You're it
2. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red rover, red rover, the nurse says bend over
6. Simon says something
7. Hide and go pee
8. Spin the bottle of mylanta
9. Musical recliners

Old is when your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"
Old is when your friend compliments you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
Old is when a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
Old is when going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
Old is when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
Old is when you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
Old is when "Getting a little action" means you don't need to take any fiber today.
Old is when "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
Old is when an "all nighter" means not getting up to pee!

10/10/01

Sometimes when you cry no one sees your tears...
Sometimes when you are worried no one sees your pain...
Sometimes when you are happy no one sees your smile...
But fart just one time...

10/3/01

A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar and find their way to a barstool.

After ordering a drink and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb. blonde with a black belt in karate. What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a weight lifter. The lady to your right is a blonde, and she's a wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

9/26/01

WHY MEN PEE STANDING UP:

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two extra things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve.

He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating. "It's a very handy thing", God told the couple. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability."

Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems a sort of thing a man should do. Oh please, oh please, let me have that ability, It'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let it fly. It'd be so cool, I could write my name in the sand. Oh please God, let it be me. Give that gift to me, let me stand and pee, oh please..." On and on he went like an excited little boy.

Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy and she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given this ability.

And so, Adam was given the ability to urinate while in a vertical position. He was so happy and celebrated by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while.

"Fine,"God said. "Now, let's see, "What's left here? Oh yes, brains...." ;)

9/19/01

The Tailpipe

A blonde woman was driving her car home one night when she suddenly found herself in the middle of a really bad hail storm. The hail stones were as big as golf balls and her car was dented up really bad.

The next day she took it in to a repair shop to have the dents looked at. The repair guy noticed that she was blonde and quite dingy when she spoke, so he decided to have some fun and told her to blow into the tail pipe of the car really hard when she got home, and that doing this will cause all of the dents to pop out.

When she got home she started blowing into the tail pipe as hard as she could, over and over. Just then, her best friend who also was blonde showed up.

Her friend sees her blowing into the tail pipe and is quite startled by the action. She blurts out all flippantly, "What are you doing!?" She replies, "Well the repair guy told me to blow into the tail pipe real hard and then the dents will pop out."

Her girlfriend says, "Duh! You need to roll up the windows first."

9/12/01

A couple of rednecks are out in the Texas woods hunting when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "Bubba is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." ....There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says, "OK, now what?"

9/5/01

The following joke was performed during Gabe & Issac's (The dumb & dumber prom guys) comedy routine at the Little Red Hen first ever talent show:

Fireman Jeff walked in the Little Red Hen last Tuesday and approached Connie at the bar. "Hey, Connie... Can I get a drink".

Connie, noticing that the Fireman was already intoxicated, says, "Jeff, sorry, I can't serve you. Why don't you go walk it off".

Jeff, not liking what he heard, muttered something to himself and left.

About 10 minutes later he came in through the back door and tried to order another drink.

Again, Connie said, "Jeff, I told you, I can't serve you". Jeff then stomps out again.

Another 10 minutes goes by and Fireman Jeff came strolling in through the front door and said, "Hey, Connie... how about a drink?".

Connie, in disbelief replied, "For the last time Jeff, NO.. I can't serve you!". To which Jeff said, "For the love of God, Connie.... just how many bars do you work at?!".

8/29/01

BUSH VISITS ENGLAND

President Bush is representing the United States of America on a highly formal, impeccably planned state visit to England.

At Heathrow, a 300-foot long red carpet is stretched out to Air Force One and Mr. Bush strides to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II.

They ride in a silver 1934 Bentley limousine to the edge of central London where they board an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white matching horses. As they ride toward Buckingham Palace, each looking sideways and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all is going well.

But suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous, earth-rending, eye-smarting blast of gastronomic flatulence ever heard in the British Empire, including Bermuda, Tortola and the Falkland Islands. It shakes the coach.

Uncomfortable, but under control, the two dignitaries of state do their best to ignore the whole incident but then the Queen decides that's ridiculous. She turns to Mr. Bush and explains, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets....I'm sure you understand that there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."

George W. Bush, ever the gentleman, replies, "Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought......you know, if you hadn't said something I would have thought it was one of the horses."

8/22/01

A group of 1st, 2nd and 3rd graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local race track to learn about thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bath room, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The female teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside and began hoisting the little boys up by their arm pits, one by one.

As she lifted one little boy she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 3rd!"

"No, Ma'am," he replied. "I'm in the 7th, riding SeaBiscuit.... but thanks."

8/15/01

A lady in her late 40's went to a plastic surgeon for a face lift.

The doctor told her of a new procedure called "The Knob." This knob is planted on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up the skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift forever. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob."

Fifteen years later the woman went back to the surgeon. "All these years everything's been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob on lots of occasions and I've loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems. First of all, I've got these terrible bags under my eyes and the Knob won't get rid of them."

The doctor looked at her and said: "Those aren't bags... those are your breasts."

She replied, "Well, I guess that explains the goatee."

8/8/01

An old retired Machinist's Mate Master Chief named Roger was sitting on a bench at the mall.

A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue and yellow.

The old Master Chief just stared. The young man said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"

Without batting an eye, the Old Master Chief replied, "Got drunk in Singapore about 20 years ago and had sex with a parrot . I was just wondering if you were my son."

8/1/01

Tee Time:

OK, there's a fellow who is an avid golfer. Actually he's a golf fanatic. Every Saturday morning he has an early tee time, gets up very early and golfs all day long.

Well, this one Saturday morning, he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his clubs out of the closet, and goes out to his car to drive to the course.

It is raining a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed with the rain and the wind is blowing 50 mph.

He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. From there he finds it's going to be bad weather all day long.

So he puts his clubs back into the closet, quietly undresses and slips back into bed where he cuddles up to his wife's back, and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible."

To which she replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out golfing?"

7/25/01

A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him and as he sits the bartender comes over and asks for their order.

The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?" "I'll have a beer, too" says the ostrich.

The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.

The next day the man and the ostrich come again and the man says "I'll have a beer," and the ostrich says "I'll have the same."

Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes a routine until, late one evening, the two enter again.

"The usual?" asks the bartender. "Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large scotch" says the man. "Same for me" says the ostrich. "That will be $7.20" says the bartender. Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.

The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer.

"Excuse me sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money will always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The bartender asks "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man replies "My second wish was for a chick with long legs."

7/18/01

Damn, It's Good to Be a Man!

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be president.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.

Same work... more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding Dress $5000; Tux rental $100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"

One mood, ALL the damn time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

Dry cleaners and hair stylists don't rob you blind.

You can leave the motel bed unmade.

You can kill your own food.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You don't have to clean your apartment if the maid is coming.

You can quietly watch a game with a buddy for hours without thinking: "He must be mad at me."

You don't mooch off other's desserts.

You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.

You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You don't have to shave below your neck.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes!

7/11/01

A language instructor was explaining to her class that in French, nouns unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.

"House," in French, is feminine - "la maison." Pencil," in French, is masculine - "le crayon."

One puzzled student asked, "What gender is computer?"

The teacher did not know, and the word wasn't in her (older) French dictionary. So for fun she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or feminine noun.

Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation. The men's group decided that computers should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because : 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic; 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else; 3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval; and 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("le computer"), because : 1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on; 2. They have a lot of data but they are still clueless; 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you'd waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

7/4/01

Differences of Opinion

O'Malley left work one Friday afternoon. But, since it was payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending the entire paycheck.

When he finally appeared at home Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied, "That would be just fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

6/27/01

A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2 inches in diameter.

He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The students laughed. The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.

"Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognize that this is your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

"The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff." "If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the car." "Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

But then ... A student then took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full.

Which proves: that no matter how full your life is, there is always room for a beer.

6/20/01

A Woman's Dream

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him.

The young man noticed her overly-attentive stare and walked directly toward her. Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude for staring, the young man said to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20, on one condition."

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The young man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, withdrew from her purse and slowly counted out four $5 bills, which she pressed into the young man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly, meaningfully said...... "Clean my house."

6/13/01

The Buffalo Theory as told by Cliff Clavin:

I have not seen anyone explain this as well as Cliff Clavin, on Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. and here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members."

"In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

6/6/01

Two guys trying to get in a quick eighteen holes; but, there are two terrible lady golfers in front of them hitting the ball everywhere but where it's supposed to go.

The first guy says, "Why don't you go over and ask if we can play through?"

The second guy gets about halfway there and comes back.

The first guy says, "What's wrong?" He says, "One of them is my wife, and the other one is my mistress."

The first guy says, "That could be a problem. I'll go over."

He gets about halfway there and comes back.

The second guy says, "What's wrong?"

The first guy says, "Small world."

5/30/01

IT'S A MISSISSIPPI THING

Suzy Lee fell in love.
She planned to marry Joe.
She was so happy bout it all,
She told her pappy so.
Pappy told her,"Suzie Gal" you'll have to find another.
I'd just as soon yo maw don't know, but Joe is yo half-brother.

So Suzie forgot about her Joe and planned to marry Will.
But, after telling pappy this he said "There's trouble still".
You can't marry Will, my gal, and please don't tell yo mother,
cause Will and Joe and several mo I know is yo half-brother"

But Mama knew and said "Honey chile, do what makes yo happy.
Marry Will or marry Joe, You ain't no kin to pappy!"

5/23/01

THE GIFT OF LIFE

On the very first day, God created the cow. He said to the cow, "Today I have created you! As a cow, you must go to the field with the farmer all day long. You will work all day under the sun! I will give you a life span of 50 years."

The cow objected, "What? This kind of tough life you want me to live for 50 years? Let me have 20 years, and the 30 years I'll give back to you." So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the dog. God said to the dog, "What you are supposed to do is to sit all day by the door of your house. Any people that come in, you will have to bark at them! I'll give a life span of 20 years."

The dog objected, "What? All day long to sit by the door? No way! I give you back my other 10 years of life!" So God agreed.

On the third day, God created the monkey. He said to the monkey, "Monkeys have to entertain people. You've got to make them laugh and do monkey tricks. I'll give you 20 years life span."

The monkey objected. "What? Make them laugh? Do monkey faces and tricks? Ten years will do, and the other 10 years I'll give you back." So God agreed.

On the fourth day, God created man and said to him, "Your job is to sleep, eat, and play. You will enjoy very much in your life. All you need to do is to enjoy and do nothing. This kind of life, I'll give you a 20 year life span."

The man objected. "What? Such a good life! Eat, play, sleep, do nothing? Enjoy the best and you expect me to live only for 20 years? No way, man!....Why don't we make a deal? Since the cow gave you back 30 years, and the dog gave you back 10 years and the monkey gave you back 10 years, I will take them from you! That makes my life span 70 years, right?" So God agreed.

AND THAT'S WHY.... In our first 20 years, we eat, sleep, play, enjoy the best and do nothing much. For the next 30 years, we work all day long, suffer and get to support the family. For the next 10 years, we entertain our grandchildren by making monkey faces and monkey tricks. And for the last 10 years, we stay at home, sit by the front door and bark at people!

5/16/01

Ole took Lena home with him and took off his shirt. Lena says, "Ole dat's some chest you have dare."

Ole says, " Lena, dat's a hunnert pounds of dynamite."

Next he took off his pants. Lena says, " Ole dat's nice calves you have dare." Ole says, " Lena dat's a hunnert pounds of dynamite."

Ole quickly reached down and pulled off his underpants and Lena screamed and ran out the door.

Ole put his clothes back on and ran after her. Catching her Ole said, " Lena, viy did you run out like dat?"

Lena said, " With all that dynamite around, I thought it was going to explode when I saw how short the fuse was!"

5/9/01

An Irishman who had a little to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course" slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back,your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

5/2/01

A painting contractor was speaking to a woman about a job. She said she wanted the first room a pale blue. He wrote it down, went to the window opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP."

They walked into the second room and she said she wanted it a soft yellow color. He wrote that down, went to the window opened it and yelled, "GREEN SIDE UP." The woman was curious but didn't say anything.

They walked into the third room and she said she wanted a warm rose color. The painter wrote that down and went to the window and opened it, he yelled "GREEN SIDE UP."

Finally the woman asked, "why do you keep yelling that out the window?" "I'm sorry," he replied, "but I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.

4/25/01

The perfect breakfast

* Your son is on the cover of the Wheaties box...

* Your mistress is on the cover of Playboy...

* And your wife is on the back of the milk carton

4/18/01

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water & stands next to the preacher.

The minister turns & notices the old drunk & says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk looks back & says, "Yes, Preacher, I sure am."

The minister then dunks the fellow under the water & pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked.

"Nooo, I haven't!" said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up & says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"

"Noooo, I have not, Reverend."

The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water & says in a harsh tone, "My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?"

The old drunk wipes his eyes & says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

4/11/01

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.

First Bull: "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I aint' givin' him any of mine."

Second Bull: "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight 'im till I run him off or kill 'im, but I'M KEEPIN' ALL MY COWS."

Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to "take care of". I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows."

They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.

First Bull: "Ahem...You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend."

Second Bull: "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an argument." They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting. First Bull: "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."

Third Bull: "Shoot, he can have ALL my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull!"

4/4/01

A man walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him, and approaches, "Can I help you, sir?"

"Yesssh! Sssshomebody ssshtole my car!" the man replies.

The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It wasssh at the end of thisssh key!" the man replies logically, if a bit too literally.

About this time the cop looks down to see that the man's member is being exhibited for all the world to see. He asks the man, "Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

The man looks down woefully and without missing a beat, moans "OHHH GOD... they got my girlfriend too!!!"

3/28/01

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers... those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable!

3/21/01

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra. The pharmacist said "That's no problem. How many do you want?"

The man replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen, but can you cut each one into four pieces."

The pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That won't get you through sex."

The gentleman said, "Oh, that's all right. I'm passed eighty years old, and I don't even think about sex anymore. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes."

3/14/01

Received this from a California. Dispatcher:

-Washington State residents: That earthquake on February 28th was just a warning.
Now that we have your attention:

sell us your power,
give us back our sunshine and take back your rain,
and we'll take back our earthquakes.

-The People of California

3/7/01

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves.

Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?" The Irishman replies,

"Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

2/28/01

Harold is 82 and having some prostate problems. After examining him, the doctor gives him a specimen jar and says, "Take this home with you, and try to produce a semen specimen. Stop by tomorrow and drop it off so I can run a few tests."

Harold takes the jar and heads home. The next day Harold comes in and asks to speak with the doctor. When he is taken into the office, the doctor asks how he made out.

"Not good, Doc." Says Harold. "I went home and tried to do what you said. I tried with my right hand 'til it was cramped from the arthritis...no luck. tried with my left hand, until I had blisters...still no luck."

"Then I asked my wife to help me out, so she tried with her left hand and then with her right hand...no luck. She even tried with her mouth. She tried with her teeth in, and she tried with her teeth out...still no luck."

"Then we called Edna, next door, to see if she could help..."

"Good Grief man!" exclaimed the doctor, "You asked your next door neighbor to help you?"

"Yep." says Harold, "Couldn't none of us get the lid off that jar."

2/21/01

WOES OF A MIDGET

A midget complained to his doctor that his testicles ached all the time.

The physician told the midget to drop his pants. The doctor then lifted him up onto the table to take a look. Putting one finger under the left testicle, the doctor had the midget cough. "Hmmm..." said the doctor. Then, putting his finger under the right testicle, the doc asked the midget to cough again. "Ahhh!" said the doctor, as he reached for his surgical scissors.

Snip, snip, snip on the right side & then snip, snip, snip on the left side.

The doctor then told the midget to pull up his pants and see if he still ached.

The midget was delighted with the result. He walked around the doc's office and his testicles did not ache.

"What did you do Doc?" he asked.

The doc replied, "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots".

2/14/01

KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline)

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there, went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands on the back of her head.

One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of her head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked, and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough had struck her in the back of the head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour, until someone noticed and came to her aid.

And yes, Linda is a blonde.

2/7/01

Ma is outside hanging up wash, when she hears Pa in the kitchen. Ma walks in and says, "Paw, get out there and fix the outhouse." Paw says, "all right Maw".

Pa walks outside to the outhouse, looks at it, and says, "Maw, there ain't nothing wrong with this here outhouse!" Maw says, "yes there is, put your head down in the hole." Pa says, "I ain't putting my head in that there hole!" Maw says, "well you are gonna have to if 'n you're going to fix the problem!"

Paw puts his head down in the hole (just a little bit mind you) and he hollers, "Maw, there ain't nothing wrong with this here outhouse!."

Maw hollers, " now pull your head out of the hole." Paw goes to lift up his head and he says "Oww! oww! MAW! maw!, my beard is stuck in the crack in the seat!" Maw says, "aggravatin', ain't it?"

1/31/01

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked, "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months, and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and tummy tuck. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well look even nicer.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40+ years? How come you didn't pull me out of the path of that ambulance?" God replied, "I didn't recognize you."

1/24/01

My husband bought me a mood ring the other day.

When I'm in a good mood it turns green.

When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on his forehead.

1/17/01

Differences

NICKNAMES
If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose. If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20.00, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out comes the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about Dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret; fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

1/10/01

Kids views on marriage:

Q.) How do you decide who to marry?
A.) You have got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips & dip coming. - Alan age 10

Q.) How can you tell if two people are married?
A.) You might have to guess, based on if they seem to be yelling at the same kids. -Derrick age 8

Q.) What is the right age to get married?
A.) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married. -Freddie Age 6

Q.) What do most people do on a date?
A.) Dates are for having fun and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.- Lynette age 8

Q.) Is it better to be married or single?
A.) It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. -Anita age 9

Q.) How would you make a marriage work?
A.) Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck!-Ricky age 10

1/3/01

Naval Operations

The following is an actual radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations:

#1: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a #collision.

#2: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to south to avoid a collision.

#1: This is the captain of a U. S. navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

#2: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

#1. THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER ENTERPRISE. WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE U. S. NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!

#2. This is a lighthouse. Your call.

 

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