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The Prez's Joke Archive -2002

7/17/02

Subject: Rich guy takes it all with him...

There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money and was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen. When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. Because I wanna take my money to the afterlife with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!' She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with that man."

She said, "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't lie. I promised him that I was gonna put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with the man?" " I sure did," said the wife. "'I wrote him a check."

7/3/02

A Mom's Dictionary

AMNESIA: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to make love again.

DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the properdistance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when your baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're mad at him.

GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

OW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.

PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

SHOW-OFF: A child who is more talented than yours.

STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.

TWO MINUTE WARNING: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

VERBAL: Able to whine in words.

WHODUNIT: None of the kids that live in your house..

WEEKEND: When Dad gets to play golf while Mom catches up on the laundry, cleans the house, runs errands, etc.

6/26/02

GOOD:

A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many.

Then he discovered the problem - a 10-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD".

The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of change. (And we used to just sell lemonade.)

BETTER:

A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post. A $40 speeding ticket was included.

Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40.

The police responded with another mailed photo of Handcuffs.

BEST:

A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball "

He replied, "Highway Patrolmen don't have balls."

There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left.

She was laughing too hard to start her car for several minutes.

6/19/02

Al and Joe are bungee-jumping one day. Al says to Joe, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping business in Mexico."

Joe thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money and buy everything they'll need; a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.

When they had finished, there was such a crowd they thought it would be a good idea to give a demonstration. So Al jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up Joe notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, Joe isn't able to catch him and he falls again, bounces, and comes back up again. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again Joe misses him. Al falls again and bounces back up. This time he comes back pretty messed up - he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, Joe finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"

Barely able to speak, Al gasps, "No, the bungee cord was fine--it was the crowd. What the heck is a piñata?"

6/5/02

Thoughts !

Men are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and think, 'Well, that's not going to happen.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs then you lean too far and you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.

According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman are their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again. -

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?

In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance
to the first.

You read about all these terrorists--most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.

5/29/02

Three women are sitting naked in the sauna.

Suddenly there is a beeping sound. The first lady presses her forearm and the beeping stops. The others look at her curiously. "That's my pager," she says. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm".

A few minutes later a phone rings. The second woman lifts her palm to her ear. When she finishes she explains, "That's my cell phone. I have a microchip in my hand".

The third woman, feeling decidedly low-tech, steps out of the sauna.

In a few minutes she returns with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her behind. The others raise their eyebrows. She says, "Oh, excuse me, I'm getting a fax".

5/22/02

SHOULDN'T HAVE

It was late at night and Grace, who was expecting her second child, was home alone with her 3 year old daughter, Sarah.

When Grace started to go into labor she called "911". Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic responded.

The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Sarah to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Sarah did as she was asked. Grace pushed and pushed, and after a little while Jimmy was born. The paramedic lifted him by his feet, and spanked him on his bottom. Jimmy began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Sarah for her help, asked the wide eyed 3 year old Sarah what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Sarah quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Spank him again".

5/15/02

While waiting to catch a plane in the Atlanta airport, I decided to stop at a restroom. The first stall was occupied, so I went into the second one.

I was no sooner seated than I heard a voice from the first stall ask, "Hi, how are you doing?"

Well, I am not the type to chat with strangers in restrooms, and I really don't know quite what possessed me, but anyway, I answered, a little embarrassed: "Not bad." And the stranger said: "And, what are you up to?"

Talk about your dumb questions! I was really beginning to think this was too weird! So I said: "Well, just like you, I'm waiting to board a jet."

Then, I heard the stranger, all upset, say, "Look, I'll call you back. There's some idiot in the next stall answering all the questions I am asking you!"

5/8/02

An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy.

They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard.

They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.

Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her behind was an oyster and inside it was a pearl worth $50,000. Please advise."

The old man faxed back: "Send the pearl, re-bait the trap."

5/1/02

Smart Cajun!

A Cajun named, Jean Paul, moved to Texas and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day, the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, but I have some bad news. The donkey died.

"Well den, just give me mah money back." "Can't do that. I went out and spent it already."

"OK, then. Just unload da donkey."

"What ya gonna do with him?" asked the farmer.

"I'm gonna raffle Žem off."

"You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

"Sure, I can. Watch me. I jest won tell anybody he dead." said the Cajun.

A month later the farmer met up with the Cajun and asked, "What happened with that there dead donkey?"

"Ah raffle Žem off. I sold 500 hundred tickets at two dollars apiece and made ah profit of $998."

"Didn't anyone complain?"

"Just da guy who won...So I give Žem his two dollar back."

The moral of this story...Marketing is everything!

4/24/02

TOP TEN THINGS I LEARNED ON A ROAD TRIP WITH MO:
And I didn't even need any quarters! By The Prez

10.) It is OK to drive in any and all lanes simultaneously, since after all, you pay taxes on them all.

9.) Never mention that your butt hurts from riding in the vehicle for so long, unless of course you want the entire rest stop population to know.

8.) When he offers to buy you breakfast, I learned you can get a mighty fine taco breakfast at the Cook Road Texaco, and Chicken legs too.

7.) You must talk to him the entire trip to keep him alert. That was difficult... me talking for three hours straight.

6.) He will try coercing you to be the driver before you leave his driveway. "It's simple really Prez, truck, trailer and all, just put it in drive and go forward. Sure, over a mountain pass. Maybe you should have a chat with Brian & Shawn before you turn over your truck to me. Do you like the sound of metal crunching?

5.) You must stop in Goldbar on the way home for yet another taco, and to see every band at both bars in the town.

4.) When you call Roger to tell him how scared you are of Mo's driving ability, he just laughs an evil laugh.

3.) Mo won't buy you a jetted bathtub at the Home Show. I think he spent all his money on taco's. But, he did promise me a tambourine!

2.) You don't get to go on the Applet - Cotlet Factory Tour. (Dang !)

And the number one thing I learned on my road trip with Mo was: He has his very own home gasoline pump.... but he doesn't have a dinger!

4/17/02

While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40 years ago.

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was too old to have been my classmate.

After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school. "Yes," he replied. "When did you graduate?" I asked. He answered, "In 1962." "Why, you were in my class!" I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely and then asked, "What did you teach?"

4/10/02

A blonde goes into a restaurant and notices there's a "peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup. So she's peels it off and starts screaming, "I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home!"

The waitress says,"That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free lunch.

"But the blonde keeps screaming, "I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home!"

Finally the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't have that as a prize!"

The blonde says, "No it's not a mistake. I've won a motor home!" And she hands the ticket to the manager and he reads... WIN A BAGEL

4/3/02

Why did the cowboy buy a dachshound?

Because he kept hearing everybody sing "get a L O N G little doggie!

3/27/02

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked. "Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked. "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

3/20/02

The All Mighty Webmaster has "edited" a few words to change this jokes rating to "R":

 

Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten out of her mourning stage.

Her daughter is constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.

Finally, Sadie says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replies, "Mama! I have someone for you to meet."

Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills.

Their first night there, she undresses as he does. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties, he in his birthday suit. Looking at her he asks, "Why the black panties?"

She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."

He knows he's not getting lucky that night.

(AWM "editing" to come)

The following night, the same scenario. She's standing there with the black panties on, and he is in his birthday suit, except that on his "election" he has a black "condominium". She looks at him and asks, "What's with this...a black 'condo'?" He replies, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."

3/13/02

Subject: Martha's way vs The Real Woman's Way!!!

Martha's way #1: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
The Real Women's Way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake, you are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.

Martha's way #2: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
The Real Women's Way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

Martha's way #3: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
The Real Women's Way: Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.

Martha's way #4: If you accidentally oversalt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix! me up".
The Real Women's Way: If you oversalt a dish while you are cooking, that's too darn bad. Please recite with me: The Real Women's motto: I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes.

Martha's way #5: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
The Real Women's Way: Celery? Never heard of the stuff.

Martha's way #6: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
The Real Women's Way: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust and so I don't do it.

Martha's way #7: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
The Real Women's Way: Martha, dear, the only reason this works is because you can't rub a lime on your forehead without getting lime juice in your eye, and then the problem ! isn't the headache anymore, it is because you are now BLIND!

Martha's way #8: If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
The Real Women's Way: Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.

And, finally, the most important tip for the holiday season ...
Martha's way #9: Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
The Real Women's Way: Leftover wine?

3/6/02

A little girl and her mother were out and about. Out of the blue, the girl asked her mother, "How old are you?" The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You''ll learn this as you get older."

The girl then asked "Mommy, how much do you weigh?" Her mother responded "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up."

The girl, still wanting to know about her mother, then fired off another question, "Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?" The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."

The little girl, frustrated, sulked until she was dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consulted with her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation. The girlfriend said, "All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother's driver's license. It's just like a report card from school. It tells you everything."

Later, the little girl and her mother were out and about again. the little girl started off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You're 32 years old." The mother was very shocked. She asked "Sweetheart, how do you know that?"

The little girl said, "I just know. And I know why you and Daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex..."

2/27/02

Not tonight honey.....(from a male's perspective)

I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Mars & Venus thing. And, I never have figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. And, I never yet have figured out how the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil when it hears the words, "I do."

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion started to heat up, and she eventually said, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said, "WHAT??!!" So she said the words that I, and every husband on the planet, dread. She explained that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. I was thinking, "What was her first clue?" I finally realized that nothing was going to happen that night, so I went to bed.

The very next day we went shopping at a big unnamed department store. I walked around while she tried on three very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her to take all three of them. She then told me that she wanted matching shoes worth $200 each to which I said, "Okay." Then we went to the Jewelry Department where she got a set of diamond earrings. Let me tell you ... she was so excited. She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don't think she cared.

I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she doesn't even play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was okay. She was almost sexually excited from all of this and you should have seen her face when she said, "I'm ready to go, let's go to the cash register." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, honey. I don't feel like buying all this stuff now."

You should have seen her face ... it went completely blank. I then said, "Really, honey, I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a man." I figure that I should be having sex again sometime during the spring thaw of 2005.

2/20/02

The sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and his boots.

So the sheriff arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up he asks "Why in the world are you dressed like this?"

Cowboy says "Well it's like this Sheriff... I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little redhead asks me to go out to her motor home with her....and I did.

We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt.....So I did....

Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants.....So I did...

Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts.....So I did... Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of funny and says, Now go to town cowboy....

So here I am."

2/13/02

A man was standing in a long line at the grocery store. As he got up to the register he realized that he had forgot to get a box of condoms. So he asked the checkout girl if she could have some condoms brought up to the register.

"What size condoms?" she asked. The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to unzip his pants. He did and she reached into his under shorts, gave him a quick squeeze, then picked up the store intercom and stated: "One box of large condoms to register 5, please."

The next man in line thought this was interesting and, like most men, was out for a cheap thrill. When he got to the register, he too stated that he had forgotten to get a box of condoms. She asked him what size he needed and he indicated that he didn't know. So she asked him to unzip his pants. He did and she reached into his under shorts, gave him a quick squeeze, then picked up the store intercom and stated, "One box of medium condoms to register 5, please."

A few customers back was a teenaged boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female before, and thought that this was his chance. When he got up to the register, he told the girl that he needed some condoms too. She asked him what size he needed and he indicated that he didn't know. So she asked him to unzip his pants. He did and she reached into his under shorts, gave him a quick squeeze, then picked up the store intercom and stated, "Cleanup at register 5, please."

2/6/02

Don't Argue with Children

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

Exasperated, the little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

1/30/02

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."

1/23/02

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."

1/16/02

An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, " Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bulls testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!" The American, though momentarily daunted, said,

"What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!" The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bullfight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"

The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si senor. Sometimes the bull wins."

1/9/02

OT: Investment Bulletin!!!!!!!

Pfizer Corp. (NYSE PFE) is making the announcement today that VIAGRA will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as-is, or as a mixer, under the name "Mount And Do". Pepsi's proposed ad campaign suggests: "It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one."

1/2/02

HE SAID/SHE SAID

10. He said: I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it. She said: You wear briefs, don't you?

9. She said: What do you mean by coming home half drunk? He said: It's not my fault...I ran out of money.

8. He said: Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way. She said: Well, you succeeded.

7. He said: Two inches more, and I would be king. She said: Two inches less, and you'd be queen.

6. On wall in ladies room: "My husband follows me everywhere." Written just below it: "I do not."

5. He said: Shall we try a different position tonight?" She said: "That's a good idea...you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart."

4. Priest: I don't think you will ever find another man like your late husband. She said: Who's going to look?

3. He said: What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? She said: Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

2. He said: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. She said: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

1. He said: Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm? She said: I would but you're never there.

 

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